I hope this isn't too boring of an entry. I just have been thinking a lot lately, so this might be more of a serious entry than anything like the stories I tell lately, but here are the thoughts...
This past weekend Dave and Nikki came from out east to say hello. It was soooo fun to have my cute little niece here and to get to know her a little better. And it was fun to play with Dave and Nikki. My parents came up too so they could spend some time with all of us. Probably one of my favorite parts of the weekend was spending one on one time with my mom. Oh how I love that woman. I think that one of the saddest things about living so far from home is living so far from my mom. I love talking to her and just hanging out with her. During one of our little chats we got to talking about experiences I've had since coming home from the mission two and a half years ago (I can't believe it has been that long). Mom made a comment about it being a hard couple of years. Life can just be hard sometimes. I won't go into super amount of detail about the experiences but it got me to thinking about the opportunities for growth that I've had over the past years.
There is a man at work who is in his early 70's. He had a stroke a number of years ago and his left side is basically completely out of commission. In the last six months he has gained 50 lbs. making him reach an almost immovable friend at over 300 lbs. He constantly acts very rude, demeaning, inconsiderate of others, and negative. The world owes him everything. He waits for people to wait on him and push him wherever he wants to go even though he is completely capable of moving himself (but that ability is diminishing with the more weight he gains and the less he moves). He sleeps almost all day every day. But he talks about the day that he would like to leave the nursing home walking. Looking at him is very sad for me. I think about a few good talks we've had, they've been uncommon but have occurred, and it is so sad to see how his actions will NEVER lead to his goal. He has been dealt a hard hand. I can't imagine not being able to move one side of my body, or losing a spouse years before it is your time to go. None of that sounds fun to me. But can you be happy?
I think of another friend at work. She is...I don't know how old, but likewise had a stroke losing the use of the right side of her body, her dominant side. She has a very happy demeanor, always has a thank you and a smile ready for anyone who offers her service. She always asks with a please and is patient. She works hard to do things on her own and only asks for help when she has tried to accomplish the task by herself. She lost her husband a year or so ago, a hard experience for her. What makes her so different from my first friend?
Both of them have the knowledge of the restored gospel. They both have "testimonies" of it. They have similar situations, but why such different reactions? I guess it would take actually personally asking them to know their own reasons for their method of response, but as I've thought about my responses in the past two years to hard situations, some of which it was hard for me to choose the right response originally, I know what does help to reach the happiest outcome.
Looking back I'm so grateful for everything that has happened in my life and the lives of the people around me so that I could learn, by experience, to be where I am at now. About a year and a half ago I wrote an email to a friend in Canada who was having a rough time. I knew her through the mormon.org chats that I was doing for the MTC. What I wrote then, I feel describes very what I feel this morning as I write this:
Lots of things happen in our lives that we don't really expect, and we might often look at our situation and wonder why on earth it happened to us at the time and the way it did. I have found in my life that when those things happen, I am left with one beautiful constant. I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and its restoration. I love the understanding that I have of my relationship with my Father in Heaven because of the restoration. I understand that I am really His daughter and that He knows and loves me so much, and I feel that love every time I read the Book of Mormon and the Bible and go to church and go to the temple. And so even though I'm not sure what is going to take place in my life coming up here soon and how everything is going to be accomplished, I love the peace that always comes from the gospel.
(Funny that that paragraph applies just as much right now as it did back then when I was still in college and didn't know where I was going to do my internship.) I continuously feel so blessed whenever I think about the hand of the Lord in my life. Yeah, there are a lot of stressful things going on around me, but inside I feel a deep peace and great love. So that is the first thing that has made all the difference in those moments of exhaustion, not knowing what to do, and confusion. It makes me think of a quote from Elder Groberg's talk years ago on love. He described a time when he was physically drowning. Check out the whole talk because it's one of my favs, but this what he said:
But swim I must if I wished to stay alive. Every time I complained I found myself underwater, so it didn't take long to quit complaining. Things are how they are, and complaining doesn't help. I needed every ounce of energy to keep my head above water and make it to shore. Having earned my Eagle Scout Award, I was a pretty confident swimmer, but over time the wind and the waves began to sap my strength. I never quit trying, but there came a time when my muscles simply would move no more.
I had a prayer in my heart, but still I began to sink. As I was going down for what could have been the last time, the Lord infused into my mind and heart a deep feeling of love for a very special person. It was as though I could see and hear her. Even though she was 8,000 miles away, the power of that love came rushing across those miles and, penetrating time and space, reached down and pulled me up—lifted me from the depths of darkness, despair, and death and brought me up to light and life and hope. With a sudden burst of energy I made it to shore, where I found my shipmates. Never underestimate the power of true love, for it knows no barriers.
A second thing that I thought about when I was thinking about all this stuff going on and what has helped me to stay afloat, positive, and in the end helped me to make the best of the situation are the people around me. I'm a pretty lucky/blessed gal. I have the best family, the best friends, and the best influences in the people that surround me. Without them, I would not be where I'm at. There has not been a day go by in my life that I haven't thought of those around me, and their example of faith, and used it as a pattern for my own choices.
The next thing I thought about was service. One of my new favorite songs is "Smile". I LOVE going to work and making people smile, they make me smile. They make me smile so much, and it makes work and everything it brings with it so wonderful. There is no real description for what it feels like to serve. Random thought to help explain: Last year we had a service project with the stake at a woman's house that had sooooooo much trash in the backyard. I worked for about an hour, then met the woman on her front porch. It was amazing to me then how much love I felt for her. Of that experience I wrote: As I drove away I thought about the great love I felt for those people we'd been serving, the love I felt from the Lord, the beauty that I saw all around me...I just felt like I was going to explode with happiness. I decided that service truly does ignite the soul with a passion for life and that it is a pretty happy thing.
So service makes life amazing. Real service though, done with the right intentions.
I guess those are the main three things, the Lord's constant, merciful love and peace, those around me, and service. I'm so grateful for opportunities to grow :)
I should add a little update though on what's happening. I turned 25 the other week. That's odd.
I have surgery scheduled for the 28th of June and I'm really excited about it! It's going to hopefully correct something that has been giving me pain for the last five and a half years!! I have acid reflux disease and have been on a myriad of medications and tried a ton of different methods. So at the end of June I get to have my stomach tied...the only sad thing is that it should reduce me stomach size by a 1/3 :(
Work is going great I enjoy it very much.
Come the fall I don't know where I'll be, if anyone has any suggestions let me know :)
Okay, that's all for today!
